James Tiptree, Jr.: The Double Life Of Alice B. Sheldon by Julie Phillips

Author:Julie Phillips
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Publisher: ST. MARTINS PRESS
Published: 2006-06-20T16:00:00+00:00

I walk on our concrete floor, and the thought comes to me that one day I shall fall alone on this floor and perhaps die so, as many solitary old women do. I see its texture close up, as I will see it then, and I try to accept.

Mostly I do accept. But sometimes the thing runs away with me, and the best way I can put it is to say that I live as a skeleton, among skeletons. [...] The time-sense of the Present, which fortifies most people I think, is weak in me. The collapse rushes on me, the solid ground falls out. This is not easily understood unless you experience it. I live in fear of these total collapses which leave me helpless and drive me to death. [...]

Maybe if I put it very concretely you can get it: When I envisioned driving you to the Lodge, I knew that most of the way I would be struggling with the howling urge to drive us straight into every tree or concrete wall along the route. I even wondered if this was what you wanted.

If you can “get” this, if you can believe it is real, you will get the kernel of the thing.

I am riding an internal destructive force that I cannot completely control but can only outfox.

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